Any one up for a joke?

The lights are dimmed, the fire is blazing in the big old fireplace, your favourite tunes are on in the background, and I'm just about to pour you a big glass of red!!! Let's settle down on the big old leather sofa and have a chat!!
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Post by sharko »

Why did Dennis Rodman get kicked out of the game?



Because his purse didn't match his shoes.
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Signs That You're A Drunk

Post by sharko »

Signs That You're A Drunk


1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. I'm not drunk you're just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You don't recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. You've fallen and can't get up.

20. The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.
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Post by sharko »

What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?


Not enough sand.
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the sniffer dog

Post by az1 »

The Sniffer Dog



A man is on an airplane, about to take off, when another man with a Labrador Retriever takes the 2 seats beside him.
The Lab is sitting in the middle as the first man looks quizzically at it, unable to
believe what he sees, when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer, he's a sniffing dog.The best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I put him to work."

The plane takes off and as it levels out, the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. Then, he returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

"Good boy." The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of it and her seat number for the police. They'll apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic," exclaims the first man!

Once again, Sniffer goes to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and, this time, places two paws on the handler's arm.

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number.

"I like it," says the first man!

For a third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while, sits down next to a passenger.

Then, he comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat and poops all over it.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on with this stupid dog!?"

The handler looks about nervously and replies, "He just found a bomb."
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Post by Adam »

LMAO :lol: :lol: . That was great az1, toilet humour always does it for me :lol: .
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Post by Adam »

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of seagulls flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird ****."

"It was my first day with the hook !!"
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Post by Dr. P »

Bahahaha!! Thats brilliant! Office material for sure! :lol:
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Post by Adam »

Hey Dr P, that's exactly where that one came from, the office :lol: .
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Post by McEve »

The real story

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said:

"This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history....

And the moral of the story is...?
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Post by az1 »

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"


"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*****
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.


"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

*****
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas
season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our Bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.


Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

*****
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"


Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

*****
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent
when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"


Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

*****
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most
wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the
photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."


Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

*****
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.


Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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Post by Rob »

A young man from Liverpool walked into the local dole office, marched
straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, Ive been on the dole for years
now and think its about time I found a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just had a job come in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his
nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday trips. The salary package is £200,000 a year."

The young man said, "You're kidding me man!"

The man behind the counter said, "Yeah, well you started it."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
The perfect white lie..."Of course I didn't pay that much for the fish honey"
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Post by McEve »

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
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How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Post by McEve »

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb"

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Cattle Dog : First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Bichon: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer:

"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
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Post by Rob »

Oh So true!!!

Image
The perfect white lie..."Of course I didn't pay that much for the fish honey"
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Post by McEve »

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. Can of coffee
a 1 lb. Package of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"
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