The S.A.S. had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews, and testing was done, there were three finalists...
two men and a woman. For the final test, the boss took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what.
There’s your wife sitting on a chair. Kill her!”.
The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”
The SAS boss said, “Then you’re not the right man for the job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for five minutes. Then the man came out with
tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife”.
The SAS boss said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home.”
Finally it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instruction to kill
her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door slowly opened and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said “This gun is loaded
with blanks. I had to beat the ba$tard to death with a chair.”
Any one up for a joke?
HeheheHahahaha! Wiping her sweat she said - that was a tough one 
Ok... I'm in:
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
Ok... I'm in:
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "
I like it, I like it . Keep them comming.
Here's another one.
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down
in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.
I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed
toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.
WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-
three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked!
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the
duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down
by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing
quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his
expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold
in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and
expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny,
I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to
slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling
in the sky and says,
”Shhh, they’re getting closer”.
. Keep them comming.Here's another one.
Well, Kenny the rooster costs a lot of money, but the
farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down
in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk.
I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of
chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed
toward the hen house and Kenny took off like a shot.
WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house-
three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked!
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the
duck pen, sure enough, Kenny is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down
by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing
quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his
expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the next day, to find Kenny on his back, stone cold
in the middle of the yard. vultures are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and
expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Kenny,
I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to
slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.”
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling
in the sky and says,
”Shhh, they’re getting closer”.
Men 
Here's a .... Norwegian abroad:
Ole is out of work and applies for a job at the plant that is known for
not hiring Norwegians. He would have to answer some questions in order
to be hired.
"Here's your first question," the boss said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number nine."
"Vitout nombers?" Ole says. "Vell den, I can do dat easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ain't you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Ole.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is ninety-nine."
Ole stares blankly into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
"'O K den, here yew go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on
earth do you get that to represent ninety-nine?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty-tree, and dirty-tree, and
dirty-tree. Dat is ninety-nine."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Norwegian,
but then figures out one that he figures Ole doesn't have a chance and
and says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the
number one hundred."
Ole stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and
makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "OK den, here
you go. Vun hunderd."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
Ole leans forward, points to the marks at the base of each tree, and
says, "A little dog come along and he craps by each tree. So now you got
dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd, and dirty-tree and a turd.
Dat makes a hunderd.
"Ven do I start?"
We're not stupid ya know!
Here's a .... Norwegian abroad:
Ole is out of work and applies for a job at the plant that is known for
not hiring Norwegians. He would have to answer some questions in order
to be hired.
"Here's your first question," the boss said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number nine."
"Vitout nombers?" Ole says. "Vell den, I can do dat easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ain't you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says Ole.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the
same rules, but this time the number is ninety-nine."
Ole stares blankly into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
"'O K den, here yew go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on
earth do you get that to represent ninety-nine?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty-tree, and dirty-tree, and
dirty-tree. Dat is ninety-nine."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Norwegian,
but then figures out one that he figures Ole doesn't have a chance and
and says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the
number one hundred."
Ole stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and
makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "OK den, here
you go. Vun hunderd."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
Ole leans forward, points to the marks at the base of each tree, and
says, "A little dog come along and he craps by each tree. So now you got
dirty-tree and a turd, dirty-tree and a turd, and dirty-tree and a turd.
Dat makes a hunderd.
"Ven do I start?"
We're not stupid ya know!
Oh.. there's more where that came from, Norwegians are very popular joke material out there... don't know why though
So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges, "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!
So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.
"Yup, and they're boat for sale."
Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"
Ole replies "When we got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know."
*bows and leave the stage*
So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in last place in the hundred-yard breast stroke and she said to the judges, "Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were using der arms"!
So, Ole --- I see you got a sign up that says, "Boat For Sale." But you don't own a boat, Ole. All you got is your old John Deere tractor and your combine.
"Yup, and they're boat for sale."
Ole and Lena had been married seven years. Lena was getting worried that Ole might be getting the seven year itch. She thought he was cheating on her. Lena says to Ole "You never tell me you love me. Is there someone else?"
Ole replies "When we got married I told you I loved you. If I ever change my mind I'll let you know."
*bows and leave the stage*
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
And there's plenty more where that came from too
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
And there's plenty more where that came from too
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Happy St.Patricks day!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, He's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Happy St.Patricks day!
Talking animals?
Talking animals?
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian:( Look of shock )
Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian:( Look of disbelief )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good."
Indian:( Extreme look of shock )
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian:( Look of shock )
Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian:( Look of disbelief )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good."
Indian:( Extreme look of shock )
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
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Bed Football
Bed Football
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"............................................................................................................................................
He said, "Still 7-7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"............................................................................................................................................
He said, "Still 7-7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
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Rooster in His Declining Years
Rooster in His Declining Years
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new male chicken from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new male chicken from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.
"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"
So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.
After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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