Some jokes to put a smile on your face

[az1]

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very
big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to
tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while
making love to his mist'ress. Hence the enormous smile,
Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy- Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by
lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

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In Paris recently, a thief almost managed to steal several
paintings from the Louvre. But during his escape, his van
ran out of gas and he was captured. After the incident was
televised, a reporter asked the would-be thief what
happened.

He replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh!"

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HER DIARY

Saturday night -- I thought he was acting weird. We had
made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping
with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset at
the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go
somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept
quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said
nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply
smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I
don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got
home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore! He just sat there and watched TV. He
seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he
came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress
and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted
and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I
could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with
the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying
and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My
life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt
for nuts. Got laid though.