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How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck,
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss
back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the "dadburn" cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little "poor unfortunate"'s front paws to rear paws
with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find
heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash
pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from that hot place
down below and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.


How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

IN THE BEGINNING
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.

He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Sara Lee Ice Cream. And Satan said, You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, Yes! and Woman said, I'll have one too ... with sprinkles. And lo and behold they gained 20 kgs.And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them, and Woman went from size 10 to size 16.

So God said, Try my fresh green garden salad.

And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side and Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.

And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more kilos.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra kilos.

Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light, and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, You want fries with that? And Man replies, Yes, and super size them! And Satan said, It is good. And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed .... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

Satan chuckled and created: The New South Wales Public Health System.


(Substitute local health department name )

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my
5th DUI. (Driving Under the Influence)
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed
her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. The trunk was opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license,
stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Ole and Sven , , ,

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pickup and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says:"Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

WAIT!!!! There's MORE! PART TWO:

Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says.

He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as halfway down, Knut takes the shotgun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE! PART THREE:

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head - "First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting, and now Lars is hengliding.

OK... you can moan now! Don't say Norwegians haven't left an impact on the US

Good ones, have to try them at work on Monday.

Great jokes guys...as soon as I can think of one I will post it!!!