Actual Flight Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture"
and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been
heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want)
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant
announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down
the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance
of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat
belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't
be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"
----- Silence followed -----
After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier.
While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee
in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Actual Flight Announcements
McEve, Alun is a pilot 
Come on Alun, you have to have in-jokes like this at the job - share them with us!
Jim, is that your trip to Cyprus?
Hey guys I remembered another one. Remember the British Airways ad, Breakfast in Amsterdam, Lunch in London, Dinner in New York? The Greek version for Olympic Airways was Breakfast in Athens, Lunch in London, Luggage in Cairo.
Come on Alun, you have to have in-jokes like this at the job - share them with us!
Jim, is that your trip to Cyprus?
Hey guys I remembered another one. Remember the British Airways ad, Breakfast in Amsterdam, Lunch in London, Dinner in New York? The Greek version for Olympic Airways was Breakfast in Athens, Lunch in London, Luggage in Cairo.
Last edited by Caesars on Mon Nov 21, 2005 11:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Alun, I just heard we will be meeting at Menzies 2 shortly, apparently your zebs will be flying together with my new male L333!!! I know we are not supposed to discuss fish here but talking of males listen to this:
I was buying some L262 the other day (how original) and I noticed all the ones in the tank (new delivery) were female. I have seen this happening before so I asked the assistant why is it that they only get one sex at a time. He told me the suppliers are usually sending one sex only a go so that shops and customers don't get breeding pairs. This apparently helps sales to stay at high levels!
I know we are not supposed to discuss fish here but talking of males listen to this:I was buying some L262 the other day (how original) and I noticed all the ones in the tank (new delivery) were female. I have seen this happening before so I asked the assistant why is it that they only get one sex at a time. He told me the suppliers are usually sending one sex only a go so that shops and customers don't get breeding pairs. This apparently helps sales to stay at high levels!
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nightowl1350
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